Gloomy troughs of my mind

There is something missing today or there is something new present in me today.

My heart feels heavy. My mind feels heady.

My vocal cords are wiggling to utter what I think, but they are swiftly being stopped. There are a lot of thoughts crisscrossing my mind, but there is no single thought that I can really state.

My eyes are just staring at a number of XL sheets kept open on my comp. screen, but hardly do they want to interpret the heaps of data given there. My mind keeps shifting its focus from office to home to money to the good old days of life to even my dead relative........for reasons unknown to me.

I am hearing my own voice converse with me.......maybe this is what they call the inner soul or the conscience.....but does the conscience talk about animosity; the struggle to live; hatred; despair; apathy; despondency; the shrewd, malicious people whom I have come to know; etc....I don't know, but truly it is all that it talks about.

I constantly toss and turn unknowingly, but now I have noted that it is a feature of my depressed state. My cellphone is ringing and quickly my left hand gives a gentle tap on the reject key. I really want to talk but the mind springs into action preventing me to do so.

I am like a man possessed to change things in life, but for what? - for who ?

My mind cautions me about the knives out there, made out of steels of hatred, licked by the venomous human rattlesnakes and seasoned over time. These are real ones - out there - hiding with vengeance to catch me wrong footed.

With all that is happening in this beautiful sojourn called earthly life, do I really have a purpose. I don't know. Maybe that is why "My heart feels heavy and My mind feels heady."

I am just forcibly trying to unravel the mystery of this beautiful mind through its rapturous ebbs and gloomy troughs.

The truth is "I am slowly falling in love with this whole mind thing that is happening to me."